


Kicking and Screaming

by aintweproudriff



Series: Race, Spot, Albert, and Elmer [3]
Category: Newsies (1992), Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Swearing, oh my goodness ralbert and spralbert are now verified relationship tags, spralmer verse, time to celebrate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-05
Updated: 2017-10-07
Packaged: 2019-01-09 05:30:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12269862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aintweproudriff/pseuds/aintweproudriff
Summary: Prompt(s): “I can’t breathe.”Elmer has panic attacks and tries to hide them until he has a bad one during a fight with his boyfriends.Between "Pretty Lucky" and "Fo(u)r Now and Forever"





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Three things:  
> 1\. I was called the president of Spralmer the other day??? I haven't stopped thinking about that I'm shook
> 
> 2\. The title is from All Time Low, specifically from this playlist of spralmer-y songs: https://open.spotify.com/user/nerdybek/playlist/5FV6JiyQMQtHqh8QC8NJf9
> 
> 3\. Unlike my fic about self-harm, I do have experience with anxiety and panic attacks. This is how I feel when I have anxiety, and it's different for everyone.

1\. 2. 3. 4. 5.   
5\. 4. 3. 2. 1.   
Breathe in for five, and out for five. In for six, and out for six. In for seven, and out for seven. If he needed to, he’d start at three and go to ten, and then all the way back down. He was lucky, though, because he only needed to go that high maybe once a month. Usually he could stop after a round of breathing up to seven or eight, if he made sure he was focusing only on that for a long enough time. 

He knew how to react when his mind ran away from him, and how to get it under control fast enough that no one could notice. Elmer could slow down his breathing and his heart rate in less than ten minutes, and be ready to go before too long. It was truly a non-issue, which was why he never felt the need to tell anyone about it. Why would he? He knew what he was doing; he knew how to keep control of his emotions. And even when he couldn’t, he could often find a way to pause, let his emotions happen, and then hit play again. 

-

Elmer used to get panic all the time, in early high school. Back then, he ran from his classroom to the bathroom as fast as he could, trying in vain to keep tears from falling. He’d splash water in his face, silently scream into the mirror, and pace around the room for what eventually must have totaled hours. 

Therapy had helped, at least a little. It had been good to talk to someone and hear how to control his emotions. He had felt crazy, like he was the only person in the world who didn’t know how to function. When his therapist told him that not only was it okay for him to feel like this, but it was normal to be anxious - lots of other people were - he almost cried of relief then and there. For weeks, those words had rung in his head. 

But now, he didn’t need therapy. He’d stopped going after too long, once he’d learned how to get over a panic attack. Like he’d said, he knew how to handle one. And he could handle his own damn self just fine, without any help.   
In early high school, he’d been having a panic attack a day, leaving him constantly anxious and exhausted. Now that he was in college, however, and well into his freshman year, he was only having a panic attack once or twice a week. That was, in his opinion, massive improvement. Good enough for him to just live with how he felt. Good enough for him to not need to tell anyone. 

-

Of course, living with a roommate who was also your boyfriend would have been difficult if he hadn’t been trying to hide the anxiety. He would be the first to admit that Spot could be a mess. Spot left his clothes on the floor, dishes in the tiny sink, and food out for so long that it spoiled. Maybe Spot and Elmer should have lived together for longer before they started dating, so that Elmer could understand just how disgusting Spot Conlon could actually be. Race and Albert were not much better, if truth be told. They would come over to Elmer and Spot’s room and leave their clothes in there, despite the fact that their room was just down the hallway. It was rare that Elmer ventured over there, but on the occasions that he did, he shook his head. Their mess was worse than Spot’s, and they seemed to be totally fine just living in it. At least Elmer could clean up sometimes. 

Elmer would come back to the dorm room some days totally exhausted, just needing a snack and a nap. And there was his beloved boyfriend, blasting some kind of bad pop music, singing and dancing along. Three years ago, that would have been the best sight in the world. But in the moment, Elmer had to bite his tongue to keep himself from lashing out or bursting into tears. 

-

“Hi El!” Spot took Elmer’s hands one day, doing a move with his shoulders that could only be referred to as a shimmy. 

And with that, Elmer had collapsed into Spot, totally abandoning any thought of standing. 

“Spot, sweetie,” he had mumbled into Spot’s shoulders. “I’m like, dead tired. I don’t wanna sound mean at all, but can you either be really quiet or go somewhere else so I can rest for a while?”

“Yeah, absolutely,” Spot grabbed Elmer’s shoulders and lifted him back to his feet. “I’m gonna go to Race and Al’s room, alright? You take a nap or do what you need to do. If you want to come grab any of us, we’ll be there.” Spot smiled at Elmer and Elmer lazily returned the look. 

By the time Spot walked out of the room, Elmer was already falling asleep. He called a quick goodbye to his exiting boyfriend, and then he was out like a lightswitch. 

-

Some days, it didn’t work out quite so well. The worst of these days took place on a cold day in November, overcast in the same way it had been for weeks. Elmer’s classes that day were particularly difficult, each and every one of them requiring his full attention and discipline. So of course, his mind was full to burst with equations and formulas and words. Each one of them seemed to swim around his head, hurting his eyes and his brain. Not to mention the stabbing pain in his chest, squashing his heart and lungs. At this point, all he wanted was a quiet room and some comfort food. 

What he got, however, was nothing like that. Spot, Race, and Albert were all piled onto the tiny loveseat in his dorm room, talking loudly and snacking on some kind of trail mix. They had the television playing an old show, one that the four of them had undoubtedly seen before. 

Elmer, completely drained, fell down on his bed, and rolled onto his side so he faced the wall. But the noise didn’t go away from around him. He put his pillow around his head, so that it covered his ears. That muffled the noise, but it wouldn’t be enough to let him fall asleep. He took a few shaky breaths, and realized he was crying. Fucking great; that was exactly what he wanted. 

Looking over at his boyfriends, he realized how happy they were. They hadn’t yet noticed he was upset in the least. The three of them were still laughing at the rerun, thinking the same jokes were hilarious. Why couldn’t he be as happy as they were? What was wrong with him that he couldn’t be a good boyfriend, joining in on the fun? 

Moments passed. For all he knew, it could have been thirty minutes or an hour, he didn’t know how many episodes his boyfriends had gone through. It seemed like the first time they noticed his presence when, just as his mind seemed ready to explode, Race turned around. 

“Elmer, babe. How was your day?” he asked, smiling. 

“Oh so now you care about how my day was?” Elmer said the words before he could stop himself, before he could think about how Race might feel. And as soon as they left his mouth, he knew it wasn’t what he meant, but it was what he wanted to know. 

“El, what the hell does that mean?” Albert shot up. The question wasn’t necessarily mean, and neither was Albert’s tone. But there was something about how it was asked that struck a match against Elmer’s heart. 

“I’ve been here for a long time, and you guys didn’t ask. I’ve been here for a long time and I’ve been crying for almost that long. I feel like shit, thanks for asking. But apparently the show you’re watching is more important than this, so whatever,” Elmer turned his back away from his boyfriends. “I wouldn’t want to be a distraction from this, sorry for being an interruption.”

Race went to say something, but Spot spoke up first. 

“Okay, Elm,” he shook his head. “I’m sorry you feel like this, but you can’t say shit like that. We’re only doin’ what we are right now because Race had a bad day, you’ve gotta think about-”

Elmer’s fingers began to fidget, the cold in them trying to work itself out. He felt his heart rate start to climb, and his breathing quicken until he thought all the air around him must have run out. For the first time, he noticed the detestable mess around him. Everything was everywhere. And now Spot was pissed at him. God, he’d fucked up, hadn’t he? Now they wouldn’t want to be with him anymore and-

“-You do understand that, right?” Spot finished sternly. 

“I can’t breathe,” Elmer gasped, standing up and grabbing his sweatshirt. “I’ll see you guys later.”

With that, he pulled the hood over his head and walked out.


	2. Chapter 2

They waited up all night. Spot, Race, and Albert sat on the couch for hours, barely talking except for the occasional question of, “what if?”

“What if he’s angry at us?”

“He’s been out a long time. What if he gets hurt?” 

“What if we went lookin’ for him?”

And the worst one of all, the one that no one said aloud: “What if he breaks up with us? What are we gonna do?”

Each of them must have texted Elmer dozens of times during those hours, and each of them stressed over which texts he had read and which he hadn’t. Spot even called him a few times, leaving message after message at the tone. 

“Hey, it’s me again,” he spoke into the receiver at almost midnight. “I just wanted to make sure you’re okay. We’re all pretty worried about you, we don’t like when you’re upset. Uh, gimme a call back as soon as you can, alright? Even text me. It doesn’t have to be much, and you don’t have to come back to the room if you don’t want to. We jus’ wanna know you’re safe.”

-

The door to the dorm room squeaked open at almost half-past two in the morning. Only Race was still awake; Spot and Albert were laying their heads on each other’s shoulders, and Race had decided to let them sleep. They needed the rest. 

He watched as Elmer stepped through the doorway, looking around to see if his boyfriends were still in the room. He must have assumed they had left, because he sighed sadly and walked to his bed, sitting down and putting his head in his hands. 

Race stood up, careful not to wake his sleeping boyfriends. He walked over to where Elmer sat, moving his feet as quietly as he could. In actuality, he could have woken Spot and Albert, because the second that Race put his hand on Elmer’s shoulder, Elmer screamed, flinging his arms blindly at Race. Spot and Albert jolted awake, and Race backed away as fast as he could. 

“Oh my Jesus Christ, El,” Race freaked out, putting his hand over his heart. “I’m so sorry oh my god. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Elmer made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a cough. “No, no, I know. Oh my god. I just didn’t think you were here,” he looked around. “Oh, you’re all still here. Okay. Hi guys, sorry for waking you up.”

“I’m glad you did,” said Spot, sitting up. “Maybe not by screaming, but I wanted to see you when you got home. Even if you did get home at,” he picked up his phone and clicked the power button on, squinting a the bright screen, “2:30 in the morning. Jesus, El.”

“Yeah, well,” Elmer shrugged.

“Can we talk about what happened?” Albert asked, standing up. “Or do you want to get some sleep and then do it?”

“Let’s talk about this now, if we can,” Spot intergected. 

“Yeah, I think we should,” Elmer nodded. 

“Okay,” Albert sat next to Elmer. “So what’s going on?” 

Elmer took a deep breath. “Well, I had a really hard day today, and I think I just came home and kinda expected for you guys to be, like, happy to see me? But you didn’t even really notice me at all, and I just started really steaming about it and then all of a sudden I noticed everything else that was wrong, like how messy the room is, and how tired I was. And I kinda blew up at you guys.”

“Yeah,” Race put his hand on Elmer’s knee, “you did.”

Spot shook his head. “Look, El. We’ve all had bad days, and we’ve all gotten angry after them. But I’m havin’ trouble totally believin’ that’s all that happened today.” 

“Yeah, Elm, you were in tears.” Albert said worriedly. “Is there somethin’ else you were havin’ trouble with?”

Elmer’s ribcage expanded shakily. “You guys know me too well.” He wasn’t going to let himself cry again. 

“Well, I would hope I know you too well,” Spot laughed awkwardly. “I live with you.”

“Elmer,” Race told him, obviously concerned. “You don’t have to tell us what’s goin’ on if you don’t want to. But we want you to be safe and not upset. Now that we know what happened today, we can at least try to-”

“No, no,” Elmer nodded. “I wanna talk about it. You guys should know what’s goin’ on.” Elmer swallowed his nerves, and then started explaining. “Sometimes I, uh, get really nervous. And I can’t really think straight. There’s no joke followin’ that, by the way. I’m serious. My breathing gets all fast, and my heart rate speeds up, and it’s like I’m afraid for no reason. I start shakin’ and sometimes cryin’, and I feel either real hot or real cold. It’s so scary, and it always leaves me exhausted. It’s a panic attack, really. I had one today in class, and when I’m tired they happen easier, and so when I got home and everything seemed wrong, I kinda had another one. And then I couldn’t breathe anymore, and I had to get out of the room.”

No one spoke as their boyfriend described what happened. They just stared at him, even when he stopped talking. 

“And then I didn’t wanna come back,” he continued when he received no response, “because I thought you were all angry at me for walkin’ out. I got your first couple texts, but then my phone died, and then I went and walked around for a long time, and I just got more and more scared. I kept thinkin’ you were all gonna hate me now, and that you were gonna break up with me. You can, y’know, if you want to. I might be too much work now. I’ve got too much wrong with me.” 

And Elmer was crying again. 

Race looked at the ceiling, at the one lamp that was lit, to keep himself from crying too. 

“Elmer, we’re not gonna- there’s no way we’d ever,” Spot tried to say it, but he trailed off at the end. 

“We’re not breakin’ up with you, El,” Albert said for him. “We’re not gonna break up with you. We wouldn’t, not over somethin’ like this.”

“Hell, babe, we thought you were plannin’ on breaking up with us!” Race put his forehead on Elmer’s shoulder. “We thought you were so angry that you were gonna make Spot move out of your dorm room. We were so worried, El.” Race tucked his head into Elmer’s chest. 

“No. No way,” Elmer whispered. 

“Uh, how often do you get panic attacks?” Spot had finally cleared his mind enough to talk. “Is it a lot?”

Elmer didn’t say anything, just nodded as more and more tears fell. 

“I’m glad we know now, if nothin’ else,” Spot shrugged. 

“How can we help you with ‘em?” Albert moved his hand away from Elmer’s and rested it so he could sit more comfortably. 

“I’m gonna try to tell you when I have one or when I’ve had one, I think. And I’ll tell you, depending on what’s goin’ on in my brain, how to get me out of one or how to help me out after.”

“Okay, alright,” Race sat back up. “But you gotta promise us that we’re gonna know how to help, when we need to help. We wanna help keep you safe, okay? That’s what we’re here for.”

“Yeah, we’re gonna help you,” Spot lifted Elmer’s chin so that the two of them made eye contact, “because we love you.”

Elmer blushed and murmured, “I love you too,” his tired mind not connecting the dots that none of his boyfriends had said that to him before now. He was just grateful. 

-

Spot moved from his place on the floor so that he was sat on the other side of Race. That was where the four of them fell asleep: Elmer’s head in Race’s lap, Race’s head on Spot’s chest, and Albert’s hand holding Elmer’s. 

The dull light from the one lamp, paired with the pale shine of the moon, illuminated their faces. For a few hours, until the sun woke them up, the four of them looked more peaceful than they had been in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! You know what to do if you enjoyed this.


End file.
